Sorry, Couldn't Resist!
WASHINGTON, DC—Landslide victories for politicians in all 50 states indicate that voters still tend to elect politicians over non-politicians.
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While analysts had been predicting a possible sweep for months, and early exit-poll numbers seemed favorable, politicians reportedly exceeded even their own expectations, gaining an impressive 100 percent of the overall national vote.
"It's a good night to be a politician," said Todd Akin, an officeholder from Missouri. "The American people have spoken, and they have unanimously declared: 'We want elected officials to lead this nation.'"
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ATLANTA, GA—Bouts of wanderlust and deep yearning have led a majority of RHS sufferers to head off in the direction of them twinklin' stars.
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ATLANTA, GA—Officials from the Centers For Disease Control said Monday that preliminary results from a long-term study showed that the vast majority of America's cowboys suffer from Restless Heart Syndrome, a disorder categorized by deep pangs of yearning, usually following extended, alternating bouts of lethargy and wanderlust.